It's Lovely Down Here

I had been sleeping with this very open minded gal for a while. We were lying around naked one morning and on a whim I decided to check out her genitalia in depth. I was surprised when she shooed me embarrassedly and acted like it was odd that I should want to see it.

After all I have one of my own, right? (Sarcastic eyebrow raise.)

It was silly, really, for her to suddenly be shy about her sex organs. I was acquainted with it in what I considered much more intimate ways than this, but somehow, seeing it in a moment of non-passion made her uncomfortable. Somehow, to my great surprise, the non-passionate moment was the more intimate moment.

I was gently and playfully insistent and, well, you get the idea.

Before that morning our sex had been just fine, but for me, once I could see exactly what it was I was working with and once I had asked her some specific questions about different techniques and areas, well, I had a wealth of new information and ideas. And technical and cold as it may sound it didn’t make any sex act perfunctory.

My mom, the midwife, and I have had some interesting discussions about female genitalia. For example, I was under the impression that squirting was really peeing. It turns out I was only part right. It is a small part. There is urine in the fluids released when a woman ejaculates, but it is actually a completely separate process from urination. It involves ducts and contractions and all types of things.

When I asked my mom in the form of a thinly-veiled, third-person scenario if female ejaculation was real and why some people do it and some don’t. She told me it was real and that if my “friend’s” lover was ejaculating then my “friend” must be doing something right because squirting is a sign of extreme relaxation and sexual enjoyment.

I would like to take credit for the squirting lover, but contrary to my mom’s professional opinion I don’t think it had much to do with me. My lover’s eyes were nearly always closed when she came and I am somewhat certain she was fantasizing about someone else while I was going down on her. I still enjoyed it and I miss her now that she is actually off with someone else.

My mom works closely with my gynecologist. This has been a source of extreme stress in my life for years. It is a tricky situation. The two of them are friends. I am always unsure of how much of our patient/doctor conversations get mixed back into normal friendship banter unintentionally or hypothetically or in thinly-veiled third person talk.

This particular gynecologist likes to converse about random stuff while she examines you. More specifically, she likes for YOU to talk about random stuff while she looks around in ways even lovers are embarrassed to do to each other. I think she figures talking about things will distract her patients from what she is doing.

It doesn’t work.

It is incredibly awkward to stammer through some anecdote about something like your first grade teacher, stuttering and pausing during moments of pinching pain or unexpected coldness and all the time worrying if the friend of your mother who has her fingers and a flashlight inside you has noticed you are inadvertently wet despite having no attraction to her whatsoever.

Anyhow, I have noticed that gynecological type people employ a series of socially standoff-ish techniques like this when with patients. Another wide-spread technique is avoiding eye contact. This is especially weird with my mom’s friend who comes over to the house regularly. As a younger person I was pretty sure that she wasn’t making eye contact with me because she was somehow keeping some important information from me, like, “you have an ugly-ass cooch.”

After a recent ultrasound during which an anonymous nurse checked in on my sadly cyst-engulfed ovaries, I asked my mom why gynecological doctors and nurses seem to avoid eye contact in the examination room. She brought up some really good points that I hadn’t thought of. For many women gynecological examinations are traumatic. Some women have their first gynecological examination as a result of a sexual assault and those two events become intertwined in their memories. Additionally, there are many women who have been assaulted that simply don’t like anyone touching them in their sexual area. My mom told me that there are women that cry all through gynecological exams, even with women gynecologists and some gals that will shake, black out or get extremely violent. I had never thought of any of this and it made me feel a bit silly for my run-of-the-mill awkwardness.

But I told my mom that this non eye contact thing made me feel extremely uncomfortable. That it was hard for me to go from sitting in a room with a doctor and talking very candidly about sex to immediately having her avoid eye contact with me while touching me, then hurry out of the room to let me “clean up” and dress before we could resume looking at each other in the face again.

Let me put it bluntly, avoiding eye contact, for whatever reason, feels like shame. The one place where there aught to be no form of sexual shame is at the sex doctor’s. But, hey that is just my opinion.

In light of my experiences and insecurities and those of the other women, queer women, that I sleep with and who, of all people, should have some sense of how their own genitalia compares to other women’s, I suggested to my mom that she and her coworkers might employ a new phraseology in the examining room.

Repeat after me.

“Everything looks LOVELY down here.”

“Great shape. Good coloring.”

“Absolutely positively normal.”

“Healthy across the board.”

“Aces”

Last night I was surprised when the gal I was with went on at length about how great my breasts are. I never really considered myself to have great breasts. To be honest I wish I didn’t have breasts at all, but she was adamant, and it made me feel good to know she meant it. I left being with her filled with that feeling we all dream of having after sex: acceptance. Oh, wait, that might just be me again.

So, for those of us who are not in the medical profession that find ourselves face to, uhm, face with a naked woman that we want to make feeeel good, here are some things you might try saying (seriously, practice this outloud):

“Your c-nt is so f-ing hot (wet or tight work as well). I want to f-ck (finger or lick) you.”

“Your clit (c-nt, p-ssy, vagina or tw-t) is amazing.”

“I love your p-ssy (etc).”

“You are so soft down there. I love it.”

(And yes, try to verbalize the intent of the dashes, that is hot.)

If you aren’t saying something along these lines to your partner when you are with her you are doing her a great disservice. And please, please, ask her how she feels. Be earnest and be honest. You are in the best position, literally, to give her positive feedback (accompanied with the magically reinforcing eye contact, small kisses, back scratches, and cuddling her doctor probably neglects) about an area that is likely mired in great insecurity. Take your job seriously, learn about her body then make her feel good, outside and in.