Please forgive the mess. We are are restructuring.

I went to see a speech by Leslie Feinberg last night. The event was put on by the folks at the Binghamton Pride Coalition.

Leslie talked about going to see Sylvia Rivera before she died. Leslie asked Sylvia what it was she was fighting for at Stonewall- race, class, trans issues, protection from police brutality, so on and so forth.

Sylvia said, "I was fighting for my life." She meant it literally.

Some of you probably read the long diatribe I left on KC's blog the other day. But, I would like to revisit it here, because I think I actually had a small epiphany recently that is causing me to restructure my brain and the way I think about things. I have bolded major points and cut out some off-topic banter.

At 8:30 PM Billy said...
To make up for lost posts: I once used a kung-foo move on a gay man who felt me up at this park thinking I was a dude looking to be cruised. I don't know what was more shocking to him, the breasts or the sudden blow to his upper body . . .

At 8:41 PM kc said...
Why didn't you ever tell me that?! (Did you think you would have gotten in trouble for being out late in unsavory places? You would have.)

At 12:56 AM Billy said...
. . . If you wanted to do something truly wonderful and radical - one night when I get back we should get a bunch of people together and create a safety booth at the park and give out free whistles and phone numbers for victims of queer violence and hate crimes . . .

Around midnight KC and I talk on the phone. At which time she said something I found horribly offensive. I won't repeat what she said because I think she didn't really mean it.

(Also, excuse my use of the term "non-vanilla" in the following passage, it was late and I was having trouble coming up with a better phrase. I realize vanilla sort of implies race and that wasn't my intention.)

At 2:58 AM Billy said...
. . . Earlier this evening you said that you feel like I am a very sexually oriented individual. I don't think I am. Not any more so than most folks. I think I just feel the need to talk about sex and gender because I feel under-represented. I do not see images of myself in the world. Nor do I see images of many non-vanilla sexualities in the world. And I have no desire to conform to the images of gender and sex that I do see. It has been hard to get to this place. I may be able to help others have a better go of it.

It is challenging to think of a film (children's movies included) (film because it is ubiquitous) that is devoid of sexual content and sexual relationships. Sex is a major part of our lives. It is elementary. We are biological creatures. We need sex to survive. Literally. Figuratively.

It is only slightly less challenging to think of films that portray non-vanilla sex. Specifically, healthy non-vanilla sex. Healthy non-vanilla sex is far less prevalent in film than sexual violence.

I think a lot of people have vanilla sex because they just don't know anything else. It is what they have seen time and time again.

The options go like this: Man humps woman, OR, now this is only if you are really kinky, woman blows man. I can count on one hand the number of male on female oral sex scenes I have seen in films. Ditto the number of woman on woman oral sex scenes, but I couldn't begin to count the number of male to female penetration scenes or female to male oral sex scenes.

I feel ignored. I feel marginalized. I feel invisible. I feel as if I almost don't exist. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel despised. I feel diseased. I feel like people wish I didn't exist. I feel like people would prefer it if I would shut up. I feel like people want me to change, fundamentally, to better fit into their one hundred and twenty eight minute running time romantic equation: boy meets girl, boy likes girl, circumstances threaten to keep boy and girl apart, boy, heroically, risks embarrassment to overcome circumstances, girl falls in love with boy for this, boy humps girl, boy purposes to girl, girl is overjoyed, sex is replaced by love and they live happily ever after until Woody Allen flies in the face of convention and dares to make a movie about straight married life after 35.

Give me a break. Just because I am not Lillian Faderman or Adrienne Rich doesn't mean that I don't have valid, meaningful and important things to say about sex. And I am sorry, and I don't mean this next statement to be confrontational, but I feel what you said earlier, I am paraphrasing, "That nobody wants to know what you (meaning me, Billy) do in bed" is untrue. I think a lot of people want to know, but not for the puerile reasons prude people think, not because they want to get off hearing me talk about sex, but for the same reasons I like to read ancient poetry, for the same reasons children flock to other children at the park, and for the same reason some people like watching vanilla-centric pop films, because they want to know that there are other people who think and feel and experience the same kinds of things they do.

Then, there are another group of truly amazing people. The people that I am really after. Who like to know that there are people in the world who think and feel and experience the world in a completely DIFFERENT way than they do. That there is something more to all of this than just my version of the story and that is wonderful and freeing and so incredibly, serendipitously great. That is what I meant earlier by saying, "It is okay if we disagree."

So, yes, I WOULD really go out and set up a booth at the gay male cruising park. Because I recognize a serious threat to that community that I feel has every right to exist even if I am not a member of it. I would do this even though it may never be reciprocated for me. Yes, I would sign petition after petition to send peacekeeping troops to Darfur. Yes, I would protest against legislation that discriminates against migrant workers. Yes, I would stop eating meat because I recognize that industrial farming is bad not only for our environment but harmful to farmers and animals. Yes, I would join the American Indian Movement and the Labor Party even though the efforts of those groups are not likely to benefit me directly.

Why? Because it is the right thing to do. Why? Because diversity and equality benefit all members of society. Why? Because I am not free and equal so long as the person next to me is not free and equal.

Last week I had sex with a girl in a bathroom stall. I picked her up, leaned her against the wall and humped her . . . Does that make me a man? Does that make her a woman? If one hundred dykes come in a bathroom and nobody yells out, "We fucked in the bathroom." Does anybody hear it? Did any of it really happen? And, can it be protected under the law?

I know you are going to delete this post, or I will delete it, then we won't talk to each other for a week, then this amazing thing will happen. We will miss each other. We will apologize. I will wish we had met later in life. You will wish we had met earlier and been childhood friends. I will scream at the world about everything I know and hear and see. You will call and tell me the things you can't tell anyone else, not because I am special, but because there is no guarantee that anyone else wants to hear it, and I will accept you, totally, while disagreeing with your view of the world, and you will begrudgingly be grateful for my candor, though, most of the time, it embarrasses you to death. And the only things that I will keep secret are the things that you, and only you, ask me to . . .

At 3:05 AM Billy said...
Although, you might just prove me wrong.

Anyhow, I need to figure out what all this means.

I think I AM definitely ready to go to grad school. I know I want to work in video but I am so scared because I recognize that there is a HUGE sweeping change that is about to happen in my life. It is something I am excited about, but I know I am going to make a lot of mistakes, not just little mistakes, like, "Oops should have called that person back right away," big mistakes, like things that are offensive to people. And sometimes being offended is healthy, but I hope people will recognize I am trying to become a better person and they will forgive me when I blunder.