Great Love

I love KC.

A few days ago she wrote me an email. One of my posts, It's Lovely Down Here, upset her. It didn't upset her because of the message, but rather, it made her sad to think of me having relationships with other people.

Her email hurt my feelings. She said she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that I made her mom cry, not because I was mean, but because her mom loves me and I left. I like her mom a lot and I am sad that we aren't friends any more. It hurt me to think of her mom crying.

At the time, I was dealing with a lot of negativity and I sat down at my computer and tried to understand hurting people, intentionally. Violence is something that bothers me deeply. I am by nature a very peaceful and fun loving person. It is hard for me to imagine myself hurting someone else. So, I decided to conduct a little experiment and see if I could conjure up a violent persona, Parker.

I think I was alarmingly good at writing violence, but try as I might, I just was not capable of really feeling the things I wrote. I guess my natural tendency is actually towards conciliation, towards love and understanding. And I am pretty happy with that.

I like people. I care about people. All of them, even the ones that treat me badly, at times, especially the ones that treat me badly.

My sister read my post, Misanthropic Tendencies, and wrote to me on IM.

Julie: OH BOY
Me: What?
Julie: Are you trying to make KC hate you?
Me: No.
Julie: Why did you write that?
Me: Because I am tired of people walking all over me.
Julie: Good. Don't let them, now take the post down.
Me: No.

I had this knowledge that KC, unlike most of the people I currently spend time talking to has that wonderful ability to feel and think at the same time.

She wrote me an email after she read my post. It said, "Sorry."

I called her last night and explained to her that her email to me came at a bad time. That I had been recieving threatening emails and silly blog comments and hurtful, irresponsible messages in general from folks. I told her that the post was only partially directed at her, but that it was more of an exploration than a declaration of firmly held feelings.

She wrote me another email today it said, "I'm glad you called yesterday. You're awesome."

So, it turns out that we have become better people. That we are willing, at least with each other, to read between the lines. To accept each other's emotions as valid and meaningful, even when they are hard to witness. We have learned that there are minor feelings and major feelings. That we can be torn in a moment, but still resolute on the whole. And we have resolved, I think, to love each other and it is a great love.