Yup, that's me

Usually my stupidity is limited to the garden variety type of things - adding incorrectly, forgetting someone's name, etc. Every once in a while I do something so incredibly stupid that I just want to bury my head in the sand. This week I crossed over into the realm of the paranoid idiot.

I think there are just too many things wearing on me right now.

So that my pals who read this know: I am tweaked out. I am stressed about money, food, moving, my 'career', applying to grad school, puppy's medical needs, a sore tooth, four painful impacted wisdom teeth, my Thursday night crush, the timing belt in my car, a possible warrant for my arrest in Nevada, and some other things that are more important, like my best buddy, Nick.

There was a day this week when I was actually paranoid about going outside to smoke because there was a great little kid out there riding her bike alone. I didn't want it to look like I was watching her on account of being the neighborhood gay. I should have known there and then that my mental state is a bit off. Everyone like watching cool kids who ride their bikes and talk to themselves. Anyone who doesn't like watching children play sucks.

Nick has talked to me before about his fear of interacting with straight people's children. I used to feel awkward as a weirdo gay art student, when I would be around children of people I didn't know. I worried that some parent would come chew me out for exposing their child to pinko-queer-radicalism. Then, I started coaching again and I developed my coaching persona. Working with kids day in and day out made my life so much nicer. They treat each other well. They say amazing things. They look up to you and trust you. And in turn you get to make good on that trust and treat them well and encourage them to do the things they show interest in.

But now that I am not actually coaching attempting to employ the coaching persona just seems creepy. And having things about me seem creepy makes me feel creepy. Feeling creepy makes me act funky. Acting funky makes people think I am creepy. It is a cyclical sort of rippling thing.

So now after weeks of not doing anything productive, having limited human interaction and worrying about a million things I can't control, I have loosened a few screws somewhere. This is like having one of those sleep walking sadnesses. You hardly realize how sad you have gotten until some insane idea slaps you awake, like, "I could drive into that cement wall."

Anyhow, I am worried, constantly. It would be one thing if I could blame it on drugs or something, but I'm not into drugs. So, I have to admit to myself that the cause of my tweakage is my inability to deal with being so disappointed in what has happened at work and being stressed out about money and personal stuff. If I had a million dollars I could afford that therapist I have had my eye on. I wish you could get things like that for your birthday. "Mom, instead of weird socks and a new coffee press, could you get me 50 hours of psychotherapy?"

I slept with a random girl two nights ago. I haven't decided if this was dumb or not. I mean I realize it was at least partly dumb. But it felt good. It is so nice just to have someone hold you once in a while. To hold you and mean it, like there is nothing they would rather be doing.

Last night I was worrying about Nick and I got all silly and paranoid and bugged out on someone that had nothing to do with him. I don't know if it makes it more understandable, but I was crying profusely when all the silly dumbness went down. Anyhow, because of my poopiness people's feelings were hurt. Folks took things personally and figured I was trying to be mysterious or intriguing or macho. Really I just was sad and freaked out and needed to vent a little without laying everything out there. I try to avoid saying things like, "Look how totally messed up and out of control my life is." I dunno, comments like that seem to make people leery of talking to me. Plus, all my close friends are far away and I have no one to talk to day to day except my sister, who I love dearly, but I just can't say everything that is on my mind to.

So, I called KC. This always makes me feel a little guilty. The subtext of our conversations are always, "Hey I don't want to be with you anymore, but I still need you to be emotionally engaged in my life." I am not using her, I genuinely want to be involved in her life, too. I just feel bad when I unload on her.

Obviously, I couldn't tell her about the sex thing because I thought it might make her sad (but she will probably read it here. "Sorry poop.") so I told her about the dumber thing with the paranoid bugging out business. She politely and cautiously told me a change of scenery was in order. She may have been thinking of a week at Shady Acres, but she was good at making less hurtful suggestions that were more along the lines of, "Move, asap."

Anyhow, apparently my Leaving post offended someone. I have a good idea it is the person I bugged out on. It wasn't directed at anyone in particular with the possible exceptions of: 1) this part of myself that is a little loopy right now, 2) the parents and coworkers who made me feel so shitty that I spent three weeks crying and sleeping, 3) the people that won't hire me for shit jobs at the pizza place, sandwich shop, etc so that I can buy food. It certainly wasn't directed at anyone I know socially.

I would also like to thank a couple of people for being very kind to me recently (Julie, Emily, Courtney, Lauren, Nina, Jen, Jeremy, KC). You have no idea how much your random kind words and acts, your emails and postcards have made the past month or two easier to get through. I wish I wasn't at the breaking point because normally these things make me feel absolutely awesome, but right now they are seriously helping me to barely hold it together. I know that you all think highly of me and I understand that the stuff I am going through is temporary, it is just hard to deal with everything alone.