Remember

"Remember when you were small how people who seemed so tall always had their way?"

I am 5'11" tall. I can bench press more than most women weigh. I have a degree from a very competitive program at a well-respected university. I have travelled all over the country and a little bit abroad. I recently had a serious, long-term relationship with a very intelligent and successful partner.

But, I feel small. No amount of physical prowess, legal finagling, justice talking or even popular support will fix it. There is no certificate or degree or trophy that will rectify my smallness. I am afraid I will simply always feel small no matter how many wonderful things I do, no matter how big I act (for I simply must be bigger than the situation) no matter how much I travel, how tolerant I am, how well versed in the mysteries of the world - I will always be a hobbit, a titmouse, a wren.

I took a great criss-cross-country road trip - A trip I have wanted to take for years - where I was completely alone (with my dog) camping, hiking and seeing new places. When I got back to my hometown, let me reiterate, MY hometown, I was brought into a meeting where I was told in so many words that some people feel that I am a person who is inappropriate to work with 13-year-old girls because, in short, I am gay. Never mind the quality of work that I do. Never mind the positive way I interact with the girls. Never mind the way I have carefully albeit imperfectly crafted myself into a "good" role model. I am a little person who must get squashed like a bug. They are big. I am little. They simply must squash me, they must. Human nature.

What do I do? Seriously. Do I make it easier for them to dismiss me by playing the angry dyke (and let me be clear, I am angry)? Do I silently confirm their worst unfounded fears by leaving my job and sulking in my bunker? Do I stay and continue to work with, for or around people I am devastatingly disappointed in and be miserable?

This, I think, is what people don't understand about marginalization. It is not that there is a big-bad dude (or dudette) out there who says and does horrible things to little guys and gals. It is a group, an accidentally powerful group, that gives a less powerful group shit until finally the little people say "uncle" and move away. It isn't overt discrimination that is the most devastating it is quiet, unchecked fear, the things one cannot discuss and grow out of (because it is not politically correct to discuss such things) that keep others down. Who would want a job where you are arround people who hate you? The boss may not be able to fire you, but there are worse things than being fired.

It happens too at family get togethers. Aunts and uncles gush over your sibling's spouse but barely say boohoo to your partner.

I am tired of sitting at the kid table. I feel forced to find a new home, a new job and a new family. And at the risk of sounding like a petulant child; It isn't fair.