Crazies in Law

-{ Just a snippet of a phone call between The Activist and her mother }-

“MOM. You got hit by your OWN car! Daddy’s insurance is going to go up if you file a claim for that. MY insurance is going to go up. Are you in the bedroom. Is there going to be an insurance claim in the bedroom. I KNOW he hit you mom, but you two are taking this to a new level. You need to take a warm bath. If you still feel icky about it tomorrow go to the doctor. We have health insurance now. Oh Hell no. For someone who doesn’t drive and doesn’t use public transportation you can’t have a doctor across town. Why you want an old doctor who is about to die. Find a nice young doctor to take care of you. You like Jewish doctors? What does that mean? Jewish and Chinese doctors? Why? Jewish doctors really care about you? What does that mean? You like to call your doctor lieutenant? Why? Because she’s tough? Was she in the military? Oh, so you think she is lesbian. What do you mean you are okay with that? Lieutenant at the free clinic. Wow. That is kind of hot. What is her name? So, she wears her military uniform while she is giving you an exam? And you say she is a black lesbian. Wow. I found my doctor. Is she cute? Mom, is she cute? I am asking you a question. She’s tough. What’s a boogabear? She wears her hair short, short as in how – is it a fade or a tiny weenie afro? A precision cut? What does that mean? Mmhmm. Okay. Did you go to the estate sale? Uhm, that’s what your husband is for. Mmhmm. That van has so many problems. I am sick of hearing about that damn van, running people over breaking down . . . I don’t want to buy a mattress over ebay. Look, ebay is not the solution to all of your problems okay. Every time I ask you about something your answer is ebay. I don’t know what my rating is. What did you get? Your happy hooker book. Okay, mom. I keep meaning to like buy A Fiddler on the Roof, seven dollars. Your shopping at the wrong places for DVDs. Actually, best buy has some good deals. I buy used DVDs. I don’t order them online. Huh. Right. The whole DVD thing is scarring me. Do you have what? Beauty and the Beast on DVD. You got the hook-up? For Beauty and the Beast? Who is this Kathy person in Chicago and why is she sending you Christmas flowers? Who is this lady? Why is she sending you all these gifts? SHE is a LESBIAN. Who is this group? Who are these people? How do you not see the difference between that and your son having online friends? He is thirteen he can make friends too. You can’t see your friends either. I don’t think you can discount his online friendships. He has their pictures and addresses too. That scares you? How do you go from that to Target has furniture for %15 off? Let’s go back to the other thing. Her daughter’s name is Izzy or the cat’s name is Izzy? Oh, the cat’s name is Zoe. You don’t even have a picture of me why do you have a picture of someone else’s daughter? I am going to send them a picture of me. They don’t know your black? You don’t want them to know that your black? It’s against the law? How can that be against the law. Mom, do you think that it matters to them that you are black? What do you mean that is like telling your sexual orientation? What website are you chatting at that you can’t tell your race or your sexual orientation? Mom, they won’t care that you are black. You’re in an online clique. (Whispered: I’m terrified.) MMM. Or your race or your sexual orientation. Okay, well, uhm, I’ll . . . Oh they said derogatory things about black people . . . what did they say? Ugly black men. Hmm. You’re weeding them out. That’s a smart rule. Never reply to a post if you don’t know what you are talking about. Yeah, I know, India has a lot of call centers. I’m not saying that you’re wrong mom. There is a lot of, you know, out sourcing right now. No mom. Go buy you a queen-sized mattress. I don’t know what to tell you but to go buy a cheapo mattress from Nebraska. And buy me a platform bed frame. Yeah, I’d like a pillow top mattress too. Well, if you see it really cheap let me know, because I could sell mine really fast since it’s the first week of school. I tried to buy a used one, they all just smelled really funny. I was like I want one that smells good. Or they live in a studio and cook a lot of curry. I don’t want a curry mattress. I don’t want people’s cheap ugly mattresses. I want my own mattress. Day beds are only twin sized. Trust me I know or I would have a day bed already. Oh, its cherry. I can’t FIT on a twin sized-bed. Have daddy take you to the estate sale. Have daddy take you. Daddy will have the money I wont. Just go. Just go. Just go. I gotta go. Because I am naked. Mom, she has seen me naked before. No my titties are covered up. Mom, you have known that my titties are pierced for a while. No, you are not going to pull them out. You want your butt pierced? Oh your belly button. You’re an inny? Yeah, most people ARE innies, mom. You have boy’s hips? What does that mean? Ew. You should have that checked out. Have you been checked for osteoporosis. Mom, you don’t have to be white and short to have osteoporosis. Get it checked out. You have been loosing your butt. So have I. What’s up with that? How do you get a bigger butt? I’m just like you, I’m a fighter, a rebel and I intend to stay that way. I’m a bitch, a good bitch."